5 golden rules for finding your life partner
by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for
reviewing the prospects of long-term marital success.
When it comes to making the decision about choosing a
life partner, no one wants to make a mistake.
Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent (in
USA), it appears that many are making serious mistakes
in their approach to finding Mr./Ms. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're
getting married, they'll say: "We're in love." I believe
this is the #1 mistake people make when they date.
Choosing a life partner should never be based on love.
Though this may sound not politically correct, there's a
profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting
married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage.
When the other ingredients are right, then the love will
come.
Let me say it again You CANNOT build a lifetime
relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here
are 5 questions you must ask yourself if you're serious
about finding & keeping a lifepartner.
QUESTION #1
Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so
important? Let me put it this way: If you're
married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to
live with someone. What do you plan to do with
each other all that time? Travel, eat & jog
together? You need to share something deeper &
more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow
together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the
people out there are growing apart. To make a
marriage work, you need to know what you want out
of life - bottom line - & marry someone who wants
the same thing.
QUESTION #2
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings & thoughts
with this person? This question goes to the core
of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe
means you can communicate openly with this person.
The basis of having good communication is trust-
i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for
expressing my honest thoughts & feelings. A
colleague of mine defines an abusive person as
someone with whom you feel afraid to express your
thoughts & feelings. Be honest with yourself on
this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with
the person you plan to marry.
QUESTION #3
Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is someone who is a
refined & sensitive person.
How can you test?
Here are some suggestions. Do they work on
personal growth on a regular basis?
Are they serious about improving themselves? A
teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone
who is always striving to be good & do the right
thing."
So ask about your significant other What do they
do with their time? Is this person materialistic?
Usually a materialistic person is not someone
whose top priority is character refinement.
There are essentially two types of people in the
world: People who are dedicated to personal growth
& people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.
Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable
will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right
thing. You need to know that before walking down
the aisle.
QUESTION #4
How does he/she treat other people? The one most
important thing that makes any relationship work
is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the
ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is
this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others
or are they wrapped up in themselves &
self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the
following: How do they treat people whom they do
not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys,
taxi drivers, etc. How do they treat parents &
siblings? Do they have gratitude & appreciation?
If they don't have gratitude for the people who
have given them everything, you cannot expect that
they'll have gratitude for you-who can't do nearly
as much for them!
Do they gossip & speak badly about others? Someone
who gossips cannot be someone who loves others.
You can be sure that someone who treats others
poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.
QUESTION #5
Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this
person after we're married? Too many people make
the mistake of marrying someone with the intention
of trying to "improve" them after they're married.
As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably
expect someone to change after marriage .. for the
worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the
way they are now, then you are not ready to marry
them. In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be
difficult & treacherous. The key is to try leading
a little more with your head & less with your
heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when
you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that
will help you get to the key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up
with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find
yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.
Regards,
Zenobia.
From India, Mumbai
2by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for
reviewing the prospects of long-term marital success.
When it comes to making the decision about choosing a
life partner, no one wants to make a mistake.
Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent (in
USA), it appears that many are making serious mistakes
in their approach to finding Mr./Ms. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're
getting married, they'll say: "We're in love." I believe
this is the #1 mistake people make when they date.
Choosing a life partner should never be based on love.
Though this may sound not politically correct, there's a
profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting
married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage.
When the other ingredients are right, then the love will
come.
Let me say it again You CANNOT build a lifetime
relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here
are 5 questions you must ask yourself if you're serious
about finding & keeping a lifepartner.
QUESTION #1
Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so
important? Let me put it this way: If you're
married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to
live with someone. What do you plan to do with
each other all that time? Travel, eat & jog
together? You need to share something deeper &
more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow
together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the
people out there are growing apart. To make a
marriage work, you need to know what you want out
of life - bottom line - & marry someone who wants
the same thing.
QUESTION #2
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings & thoughts
with this person? This question goes to the core
of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe
means you can communicate openly with this person.
The basis of having good communication is trust-
i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for
expressing my honest thoughts & feelings. A
colleague of mine defines an abusive person as
someone with whom you feel afraid to express your
thoughts & feelings. Be honest with yourself on
this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with
the person you plan to marry.
QUESTION #3
Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is someone who is a
refined & sensitive person.
How can you test?
Here are some suggestions. Do they work on
personal growth on a regular basis?
Are they serious about improving themselves? A
teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone
who is always striving to be good & do the right
thing."
So ask about your significant other What do they
do with their time? Is this person materialistic?
Usually a materialistic person is not someone
whose top priority is character refinement.
There are essentially two types of people in the
world: People who are dedicated to personal growth
& people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.
Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable
will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right
thing. You need to know that before walking down
the aisle.
QUESTION #4
How does he/she treat other people? The one most
important thing that makes any relationship work
is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the
ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is
this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others
or are they wrapped up in themselves &
self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the
following: How do they treat people whom they do
not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys,
taxi drivers, etc. How do they treat parents &
siblings? Do they have gratitude & appreciation?
If they don't have gratitude for the people who
have given them everything, you cannot expect that
they'll have gratitude for you-who can't do nearly
as much for them!
Do they gossip & speak badly about others? Someone
who gossips cannot be someone who loves others.
You can be sure that someone who treats others
poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.
QUESTION #5
Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this
person after we're married? Too many people make
the mistake of marrying someone with the intention
of trying to "improve" them after they're married.
As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably
expect someone to change after marriage .. for the
worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the
way they are now, then you are not ready to marry
them. In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be
difficult & treacherous. The key is to try leading
a little more with your head & less with your
heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when
you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that
will help you get to the key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up
with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find
yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.
Regards,
Zenobia.
From India, Mumbai
hi Zenobia,
real nice post .... very sensible.
its just the application of the same to life is difficult. coz everyone feels that they are exceptions n that they know wat's the best for them.
so a mistake is mostly made before eyes open to reality.
Pal.
From India, Pune
real nice post .... very sensible.
its just the application of the same to life is difficult. coz everyone feels that they are exceptions n that they know wat's the best for them.
so a mistake is mostly made before eyes open to reality.
Pal.
From India, Pune
Dear Zenobia, Really a best post i should say....... & very important to the youth company to make the proper choice instead of just falling in love & show off. Regards, Mona
From India, Mumbai
From India, Mumbai
Hai Zenobia, Thats really good. Question 4 was really excellent one to judge a person. Please continue with some more if possible. Regards, Priya
From India, Madras
From India, Madras
hi Zenobia, Thats was a really well and truley written it is just an excellent way to know the person and find your perfect match . Regards Sylvia
From India, New Delhi
From India, New Delhi
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